Couples Therapy or Discernment Counseling
teletherapy provided
in Virginia, North Carolina,
Florida, Utah, and Arizona
Reasons for Couples Therapy
Communication Issues
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Nearly every couple seeking out therapy recognizes that a significant reason why they are unhappy is that they have not communicated clearly or effectively with their partner over the years. Improving communication skills is one of the most straightforward (but not necessarily easy) changes that you can make to improve the quality of your relationship.
Parenting Disagreements
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Even the strongest relationships can be challenged by parenting disagreements. Whether your child is rebellious, depressed, has a disability, or is falling short of your expectations in some way, you may be up against difficulties you hadn’t anticipated when planning to have kids. Many couples can benefit from discussing parenting struggles with a therapist.
Infidelity
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Infidelity varies widely from emotional to sexual unfaithfulness; from one-night stands to years-long affairs; from paid sex to secretive pornography use. The underlying theme in all infidelity is the sense of betrayal and trust that is broken between partners. Couples can and do heal from these wounds and couples therapy is often an integral part of healing the relationship.
Sexual Issues or Infertility
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Whether you’re struggling with a libido difference, erectile dysfunction, or trying to conceive, relationship struggles that show up in the bedroom can be particularly isolating because of the social taboos of talking about it. You don’t have to muddle through these issues alone. As uncomfortable as it sounds to talk about your sex life with a third party, working with a therapist can help.
LGBTQ+ identity issues
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While LGBTQ+ couples experience many of the same issues as heterosexual couples, there may be additional layers of complexity to consider, particularly if individuals have a conservative religious background. Additionally, LGBTQ+ individuals who are just beginning to recognize or accept their identity may find themselves in mixed-orientation marriages, and deciding what to do about that can be challenging.
Mixed-Faith Marriages
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Religious differences between spouses can be divisive, especially when one partner’s beliefs or participation in religion changes over time. What once felt like a strength and an opportunity to connect now feels like the root of marital troubles. Therapy can help you and your partner work through your differences, figure out how to teach your kids your values, and rediscover your emotional connection.
Grief and Loss
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Loss is eventually a part of any long-term relationship. Whether you’ve experienced pregnancy loss, the loss of a parent, or the tragic loss of a child, grief can take its toll on a relationship, especially if you were already struggling. Additionally, life transitions like becoming empty nesters or having to take on caregiving duties for your spouse who has lost physical or mental abilities can be a difficult shift in relationship dynamics to navigate.
Find out which option is right for you and your partner
Couples Therapy
Couples therapy is most effective when both partners are committed to spending time and energy trying to improve relationship issues. While you may not be totally sure if you can move past the hurt and resentment that has built up over the years, you are both willing to put separation or divorce on hold while you actively work to change the behavioral patterns that have proven ineffective.
In couples therapy you will work to improve your communication skills, change your interactional patterns, and increase emotional and physical intimacy. I use research-based Gottman strategies and a detailed understanding of relationship dynamics to help you and your partner gain clarity about how to improve your relationship while teaching you the skills necessary to do so.
The length of couples therapy varies drastically. As a very rough average, many couples feel that they have significantly improved after 10-15 sessions, or about 6 months of therapy with sessions every other week. If one or both individuals in the couple have diagnoses such as anxiety, depression, or substance abuse, treatment often takes longer. Some couples feel that they benefit from ongoing monthly check-ins for a year or more to maintain the health of their relationship, while other couples feel that they have solved most of their issues and feel that they have achieved their goals after 6-8 sessions. Sessions are 50 minutes long.
Discernment Counseling
Discernment counseling is a research-based brief therapy approach for “mixed-agenda” couples, or couples in which at least one partner is on the fence about whether it is worth the effort to try couples counseling. There is typically one spouse who is leaning in (towards couples therapy) and one who is leaning out (towards separation/divorce).
During the first session, couples are presented with three paths. Path one leads to maintaining the status quo. Path two leads to separation or divorce. Path three leads to an agreement to put divorce/separation on hold for six months while giving an honest effort at couples counseling. The goal is to help each member of the couple gain clarity about which path is the desired choice.
Discernment counseling lasts 1-5 sessions. Each session is 80 minutes long, except for the first session which is 110 minutes long. In each session, each partner meets individually with the therapist to gain understanding into how problems developed and into how their behavior can create positive change moving forward. Each session also provides time for the partners to reflect to each other on insights they have gained and their feelings about how to proceed. The goal of discernment counseling is not to improve the relationship but to gain insight and clarity into relationship dynamics and to determine motivation to change. A couple who decides to choose the third path moves into couples therapy.
Frequently Asked Questions about Couples Therapy
Is couples therapy ever a bad idea?
Yes. If your relationship has a history of domestic violence or if you are in a relationship where intimate partner violence (IPV) currently occurs, couples therapy may put the partner who is being abused at further risk of abuse.
Do you work with LGBTQ+ couples?
Yes. I am happy to work with any couple regardless of sexual orientation, gender identity, or marital status.
Are there times when couples therapy might not be effective?
Yes. Therapists often cite the “three As” as reasons not to begin couples therapy. If there is an active addiction, affair, or abuse, couples therapy is not likely to be very productive. That being said, all three As often require therapy to improve the situation. If you or your partner are consciously working on making behavioral changes to end an addiction, affair, or abuse, couples therapy may be a helpful, albeit longer-term option. Depending on the situation, individual therapy may be recommended first before relationship issues are addressed. This is something that will be assessed at the beginning of therapy.
What is couples therapy like?
The first session is a chance for us to meet and get to know each other, and I begin to learn about the problems that bring you to therapy and your goals for treatment.
After the initial session, I see each member of the couple separately to make sure I understand each of your perspectives. I also have you complete The Gottman Relationship Checkup which helps us focus our work on the most salient issues.
Then we come back together and I help you and your spouse begin working on improving communication skills and understanding one another better.
I’m not sure if I want to try couples counseling or discernment counseling. How do I decide?
Talk to your partner. If you both feel willing to try couples therapy, that is the way to go. If you or your partner is hesitant or are actively considering separation or divorce, discernment counseling is the way to go. It is possible to switch between approaches if necessary, but it is helpful if you can have an idea of what your goals are for therapy before the first session. If your partner is not willing to do any therapy, you can try individual therapy.
If we are attending couples therapy for parenting, will our children be involved?
It depends on your situation. Sometimes it can be helpful with older teenagers to do some family therapy sessions to strengthen family relationships. With younger kids, it is often more effective to work just with the parents.
Can I see you for individual therapy and couples therapy?
No, if I am your individual therapist, I cannot also be your couples therapist as I would be biased to your side of the issue by having a deeper and more comprehensive understanding of the problems from your perspective. However, it is not uncommon to shuffle things around at the very beginning of treatment if you initially have an appointment for yourself and then decide that you would rather try couples counseling.
Occasionally, once couples therapy has ended, one partner may decide to continue individual therapy with the couples therapist and this is acceptable if both partners are agreeable to the arrangement.